Gratitude at 7am

I woke up feeling nauseous this morning. I couldn’t tell you exactly why. It might be the early hour.

You see, for the past two days, I’ve been trying to wake up an hour earlier in order to write. I am not a morning person. It’s difficult… but I love what I do, and I love any chance to play with my characters in their world (even if bringing myself to my laptop to edit sometimes feels like dragging a five-year-old to the dentist).

I think my reluctance to write lately has been, also, about my lack of familiarity with editing. Historically, I’ve done embarrassingly little editing, and so suddenly trying to “fix” something as big as a 100k work manuscript is daunting to me. Trying to make the whole thing cohesive is a challenge, but I’ve worked at it a little every day for the past three days. It feels like a little victory.

Is this boring to you? I talk about writing a lot, but I’m never quite sure what to say, or how much I should say about myself. I’m a private person in my day to day life, and sharing sometimes feels uncomfortable. It’s the reason that I hid all of my older posts when I did my site redesign. I wasn’t sure if I was somehow sharing too much. I have plans to go back and restore most of them soon, maybe on a rainy day, when I have the time to go through them for quality control.

One last thought; one last thing that I feel like sharing, and it feels important: A kind stranger left me a donation on this blog yesterday, and it brought up feelings I wasn’t expecting. Happiness, I was expecting, which was there… but more than that? I felt very humbled and so grateful, and if I’m being honest, a little scared. It brought up all those sleeping-dog doubts of, “Who am I, that anyone should listen to me? Who am I, to think that I have something to say?”

“I’m proud of you,” was all that my love had to say on it, his face smiling and full of love. “I’m so proud of you.” And the doubt dogs drowsed again.

So thank you, whoever is out there and reading this. I am grateful and humbled. I hope you stick around and keep reading for as long as you’re feeling it.

Lazy writer

I must confess, I’ve been a lazy writer lately. It’s not that I don’t think about it. It’s always in the forefront of my mind, that feeling that I should be writing. I should, I want to write (I want nothing more), and yet… I don’t.

I’ve been trying to figure out why, and the closest I can figure is that I’m waiting for things to be perfect. I’m waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect words. I don’t blog because I am afraid of saying the wrong thing. If I’m sharing, it has to be perfect, right? I don’t want the words to ring hollow, or trite, or untrue.

And so I say nothing, and that’s not actually better.

It’s easy to make excuses, so, so easy. “We’ve been sick,” “I’ve been working,” “I had to go Christmas shopping,” “It was date night.” There are a thousand reasons I could give you, about why I haven’t been writing, and they’re all true.

The thing is, none of them really matter. I have no one to answer to but myself, and the real truth is, I’m not satisfied if I’m not writing. It’s purpose, it’s a reason to get up in the morning, it’s a kind of life. My life. The life I’m trying to build.

New web design has launched!

Hey, readers. Sorry for the ages-long hiatus. I had several big changes in my life, and that, along with other projects, pulled me away from the blog for a while. But, I’m back, just in time for the end of the year and the holidays.

I did a redesign of the website into a more picture-heavy, graphic version of its former self. If you’re interested in reading the blog without wading through the front page, I recommend bookmarking http://madscientistlove.com/nav/blog.

If any of you are still out there, I hope you all are having a good Winter season, and I hope to be able to share more writing with you in the new year.

Comments on the new style and redesign? Let me know.